I recently took a week off my full-time job to focus on my next novel. A rom-com set against the backdrops of Manchester and Paris, with everything I like to write about: love triangles, pastries, art and fashion.
I had the best of intentions. I’d prepped and planned until my fingers started itching to write these characters I now know so well.
I’d bought a new notebook (a not unimportant tradition of mine!) and even taken Jojo Moyes’ BBC Maestro course writing love stories - which felt less like a writing class and more like a cosy afternoon sitting down with one of my favourite authors and having a natter about why we love writing romance books so much.
The first day of my holiday, I took my baby to nursery and grabbed a coffee on the way home. Once home, I emptied the dishwasher, put some washing on and took my laptop out of it’s drawer and then…
I put it back.
I put it back and I didn’t pick it up once the whole week.
And why? I definitely wanted to write. I’d taken a week off to get started, for goodness’ sake. I wanted to get those all important first chapters out of the way and get the flow going again after not writing for so long.
I just couldn’t do it.
Juggling childcare, a career and everything else that pops up in between had managed to push down the one thing that I craved; time for myself. Aka. the time I had carved out to write.
Post maternity leave I’d been focussed on managing my new routine of nursery runs, working, family time, bedtime routine, perhaps a gym class or dinner with a friend if lucky. Rinse and repeat.
I thought that a week off would be just what I needed to be productive again. Actually, it was the opposite. It was just what I needed to be unproductive.
I swam. I took myself out for coffee. I caught up with friends. I picked up my daughter from nursery early to play in the park while it’s still light out. I watched terrible dating shows with my husband after baby’s bedtime. I had my nails done. I went to the theatre with new friends. I listened to a podcast about the It Ends With Us Blake Lively drama. I then went to the cinema by myself at 11am to watch said Blake Lively film, before grabbing the book it's based on.
It was slow. At times, yes, a bit dull. But mostly, it was glorious.
Now, I finally feel like me again. I feel ready and excited to write. My brain has space and I recognise that I need to be patient with myself. I need to be kind to myself, put myself a bit higher on the priority list.
When you’re not writing, you’re also probably still doing the work. Your subconscious is unpicking tricky story beats or trying to work out character motivation. It’s not lost time. Also, as the saying goes; you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Unintentionally, I also ended up reassessing why I write.
Am I trying to have a best-seller? I mean, that is the secret dream we all have, right? To walk into a Waterstones and see our book, right there on the table, in amongst the others you admire so much.
But I’m not writing for that end goal. I’m writing because it’s what I’ve wanted to do since I could read a book.
I’m writing because I’m a new mum and sometimes the overwhelm is so great that I want to sit down and experience the creative flow that I only get from writing fiction.
I want to hold a finished manuscript in my hand (I’ve yet to do this! All my work has only ever been digital! Why haven’t I done this yet?)
I remember finishing my first book, My Spirit Guide, during the last few months of the COVID lockdown and treating myself to a takeaway coffee from one of the only places still open in East London. I sat in Mile End Park with my cappuccino and felt aglow with the realisation: I’d finished it. I’d finished my first book. It was the very best feeling.
You can’t tell me that all the people out there who are writing right now for just money. It’s so much more than that.
I guess I needed reminding that writing comes before all of the editing, querying, researching agents, rejection emails, fiction competitions, publisher submissions etc. Writing’s the fun bit. It should never be a chore.
See you guys on the other side x